I’m a Maybe girl, swathed in a Yes girl’s clothing.

(This is a combination of excerpts from unpublished blogs “Tales from Hong Kong”/”Skating in circles”/”I’m a “Maybe girl”, swathed in a “Yes girl’s” clothing”.)

In true nomadic fashion, despite having an apartment and some* (at best) local work, I uprooted myself and joined a new ice show, this time overseas. The best laid plans of having an orderly and efficient move-out day was, of course, nothing but frantic, disorganized, and ridiculous. A lot of furniture remained collateral damage in the hurricane that I created. I have done a lot of shows overseas, but since the end of 2010, my shows have remained stateside – easy jaunts out to Los Angeles for a few months at a time. For this contract, not only was I sending myself on a 3+ month international journey, I was also having to move out of an apartment that I had only lived in for 6 months. It goes against logic and concrete reasoning. But truly, that pegs the majority of performers, particularly as it pertains to humans of the show skating variety. (We are an unusual breed.) With every career, there’s a journey and as many a book, poem, and movie has indicated, it’s never straightforward. Show skating can be likened to skating in circles, which can be both positive and negative, depending on where you are in the intersecting circles of life that are attached to that skating journey. There’s no “point A to point B” path. There are only abnormally-shaped curves that straighten out every once in awhile. And then they just loop back to where they started. In a concerted effort to reach a different life circle after the Hong Kong skating show contract, I made two New Year’s resolutions: 1) to be less flakey 2) to minimize purchases of frivolous little things. (Believe me, during my time in Asia, where Hello Kitty reigns supreme and cutesy is beloved, it was time for me to limit my spending on adorable, but essentially useless items.) Since being back in the States, I have broken both of those resolutions. No big surprise, right? I mean, nobody keeps their New Year’s resolutions. However, it made me realize that I’m a “Maybe girl”, swathed in a “Yes girl’s” clothing.

What does that mean? The first part of the resolution – to be less flakey – addresses my instant willingness to help out, go out, or visit a friend, etc., even if I can’t really help out or I have limited cash resources and therefore, shouldn’t go out or visit. But the amenable side of me shouts YES, with no further thought. It’s only later, when it becomes apparent that I cannot do what I’ve agreed to, that I have to renegotiate my terms or just cancel. Which ends up looking flakey. So I wanted to be less flakey this year, which would mean giving considerable thought to requests before saying YES, in other words, to look before one leaps. I guess one could say at least I’m cognizant of this flaw. But has it minimized my YES GIRL, followed by embarrassing MAYBE or NO GIRL moments? Not really. I have successfully (at least a month long success) started a new circle tracing in the film world. I have a fairly consistent gig for the better part of a year in North Carolina. YES! So, even though my parents live in the area, I decided that I needed to have my own place. (So I can get a kitten.) YES! to the apartment contract. Followed by the internalization of, is this the right move? Is the apartment too expensive? Do I really need my own place? My parents love having me around.* (Doesn’t every grown kid think this?) I continued to shout YES! Yes to a kitten! Yes to a Craigslist sofa! Yes! to a new physician. (Because my usual doctor was booked for another three months.) Yes to, well, pretty much everything. And then the serious contemplation/buyer’s remorse set in. A yearlong contract for an apartment is serious business! A kitten is a long-term commitment! Great price for the couch, but I don’t have a place to store it! I cancelled the new doctor’s visit because I was nervous about switching doctors! Now what? I have internalized so many decisions, renegotiated on them, lost $50 in the process (thus blowing resolution #2), and still won’t see my doctor for three months. So much for that “be less flakey” resolution.

Cindy still has her apartment and, at the time of this publication, she still has the kitten. 🙂